


One Jedi's Heart

by Kunstpause



Series: One Jedi's Heart [1]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 15:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time she killed, it was an accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Jedi's Heart

The first time she killed, it was an accident. A moment in time where a split decision to rescue someone turned out to be what doomed them. The council taught her that every life was important. Life was sacred. They also told her it wasn’t her fault. That she didn’t kill anyone. That it was an accident. But she knew. Like a sharp stabbing pain in her heart. She made an error and someone else paid the price.

The second time she killed it was in self defence. Kill or be killed. Deflecting what would have been a fatal lightsaber blow and reacting with an equally fatal one. They told her she couldn’t have done anything else. That everyone would understand. But she didn’t. She told them that it felt the same as her last kill. The same wrong. The same pain. And the council told her that it should, because both times she wasn’t at fault. But she knew. How wrong they were. And she learned that they taught life was sacred, but the didn’t think every life was equal.

The third time she killed it was deliberate. A battle to the death. A battle she sought out and waited for. He had killed her master and she knew what she had to do. And again it felt like the times before with one exception: This time she enjoyed it. And hated herself a little more than before for it. Afterwards the council praised her for her actions. They told her she won them an important victory today. For the greater good. That she brought the peace one step closer. And she nodded and excused herself. She did not sleep that night, asking herself how it made sense to kill for peace.

The fourth time she killed she wasn’t in her own mind. But while that seemed to make all the difference to the council and her teammates it didn’t feel that different for her. The Emperor whispered in her ear. Trained her to become more. Flooding her with pain until the agony itself became peaceful. But through it all she was still there. It was still her own hand that lifted the lightsaber and brought it down. Every time. Every single of the four hundred and fifty eight times he had her kill she was there. And some day instead of pain there was only calm in her heart. She counted every one of them. Remembered their faces. The council would tell her later that those deaths weren’t her fault. That is was the Emperor in her mind. That she shouldn’t hate herself but hate him for what he made her do. And she tried. They offered to help her heal. But all it did was take the peace and calm in her heart and turned it into pain again.

The four hundred and sixty third time she was prepared. The council still on her side. Grooming her for one thing and one thing only: To kill the Emperor. They stopped listening when she asked for other means. He was too dangerous, he had to die - for peace. She wondered if they ever listened in the first place. When the time came she was prepared. And she struck. There was no pain, only peace as her hand slowly retracted the lightsaber. And as he fell down in front of her he looked almost like he was proud of her.

The council gave her a medal and a title. A parade and accolades. And a mission. Far away from civilisation. Because for all their empty words they could still see. See how she killed her own heart for their peace. And while they knew sacrifices had to be made for gaining the peace - those same sacrifices were not essential in keeping it.

She went into the depths of space, searching. Searching for something new. Wondering if there was something else out there, other than pain that could be turned to peace in her heart.

The council was glad about her absence. They were weary of her. They knew what they created, but it was for the greater good. They still believed that. It brought them peace. She brought them peace. And all it cost was one Jedi’s heart.

It was only years later, after the council was in ruins and Emperor returned with a dark Jedi at his side, that someone thought maybe even one heart was too high a price.


End file.
